Going through all that we have since Noah's birth I have been able to build this type of strength that has allowed me to not get so emotional or phased by negative things as much anymore. There are many times that I still get that choked up feeling in my throat where I just wish I could scream and shed a few hundred tears but nowadays I just can't. I am not 100% sure if this is a good sign or a bad one. I can cry but now it is like I have to choose where to shed the tears so I don't get too exhausted and can still be the super mommy Noah needs me to be. Tears are two folded. A way to express negative times but also a way to express positive ones. Last night I shed many tears. They rolled down my cheeks one after another for many minutes. This time though...they were happy tears. I have not shed happy tears in awhile and it felt amazing.
As you may be well aware of but if you aren't it takes the strength of an army and the patience of at least 10 people to feed Noah each time. Something that could normally take 15 minutes takes us around 45-90 minutes each time. We have to be very precise in how we lay him down in a chair or propped on a pillow, how we hold the bottle, how we hold his chin, how we prepare his food, how we block the light or noise, how we timed it from the last feeding. Throw in at least 10 other obstacles and then we might get super super lucky to get 4 ounces in him each time. On the very rare occasion we are able to get 7 ounces in him if he is sleeping and his natural sucking reflex lets him get a full serving without the struggle of the whole suck/taste/swallow/breathe routine getting in the way. The whole process is exhausting and one that I pray changes multiple times a day. It is either this or tube feeding again and that is not an option in our minds (ever again!)
This weekend was the worst. He did not want to eat at all. We recently changed his formula to a soy base and I am not sure if that was why but he refused to eat even his baby food. I battled each feeding session and was at my wits end come Sunday night when it took me 2 1/2 hours to get four bites of baby food and 3 ounces of formula into him. Jeremy took over as he ordered me to go take a nap (I have the best husband :)). After I woke up I waited a couple hours and it came to the hour of his last and final bottle for the night. I started to get anxiety over it.
I started to prepare the environment and Noah to fight the battle so to speak but then I just felt defeated. I then decided that I just wanted to snuggle Noah for ten minutes to calm myself down before making him and myself frustrated and tired. Noah was being adorable in my arms. He never ever ever lets me hold him cradled like a baby. I have not done this hold for at least five months for more than a second or two because Noah hates it so much. Last night however he just sat there staring at me as I held him in the cradle position in my arms. He was smiling at me and just looking at me. My heart felt like it was going to burst because it was so special for me to have that connection with him. Then I picked up his bottle, said my little eating prayer I do before I feed him, and as I cradled him he started to suck from his bottle wide awake staring at me. I burst into tears. I couldn't help it. It felt like the week I brought him home from the hospital before all of his eating difficulties. I was actually holding my baby and feeding him while he was awake, while he was staring at me, while he was smiling...and not fighting the bottle. Tears were just running down my face the entire time. At one point Jeremy even came down to ask me a question but I couldn't answer nor could I take my eyes away from Noah's sweet face as he slipped into dreamland but still taking his bottle in the most natural rhythm he has done in months.
I normally do not share such private moments but this is one of those times where I can't help but want to tell the world "I fed my baby in my arms and he ate!" It sounds so funny to say that and if you didn't know me or Noah you would think I was losing it but I don't think I will ever forget that moment and will cherish it forever. Our faces were 8 inches apart, our hearts were 2 inches apart, his left hand sat resting under my chin as his warm cuddly body curved around my waist. There was no fight, no battle, no struggle. This was the one feeding session where I wish it would have lasted 90 minutes. Could I be so lucky to make this happen again this week? I'm going to take that challenge and see if it can :)
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